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Today we'll be critiquing...

(note: this blog was written by Carmalain7)

Working GapsNew York City shines
With platinum walls
With onyx windows
With gold smeared
Onto the smug rich
But below the city,
The dripping pipes
The homeless tears
The grime stuck
Onto poor faces
A rich man sits in
Brightly-lit Broadway
On ruby carpets
Nose scrunched upwards
Due to a new face.
A poor man performs in
Dimly-lit subway stations
On their feet
Eyes seeking crowds
For a thrown quarter.
A rich man inherits
An office reaching heaven
As he winds his toys
Never working enough
To earn the coveted company
A poor man arrives
At the doors of a business
Pleading in ragged suits
For a job paying minimum
To earn shelter from slums
New York City consists
of two people:
The gleaming gold
The beggars for apples
Separated by unfair odds.

saevuswinds 's "Working Gaps"

Hey Miss, 

I'm going to start by highlight some quick (mostly punctuation and grammar observations). While I understand that grammar and punctuation can very much be a stylistic choice by the writer to achieve a voice, most of what I'm suggesting are small, ticky-tacky things, but ones that I truly believe will help add more clarity to your writing. 

They're listed in a bullet point format, as that is - in my extremely unprofessional opinion - the most efficient way to convey them, but if there's something here I don't expound enough upon, definitely ask about it and I'd be more than happy to further explain my reasonings.

I also sprinkled some content observations and questions in here to help you glimpse into a reader's perspective, as that's something that I think is extremely difficult, but equally rewarding.

Cool.

Some Quick Observations:

 Stanza 1 | Line 2,3,4 - I'd use some sort of punctuation to accentuate the anaphoric nature of these lines. My suggestion would be to play with things until something sits right with you, but - for me - semicolons or dashes at the line endings to show a new thought might really work with what you are going for.
 Stanza 1 | Line 5 - I'd end this line in a comma to help ease the transition of beginning the next stanza with a conjunction.

 Stanza 2 | Line 1 - This comma is actually not necessary and I'd opt to remove it.
 Stanza 2 | Line 2,3,4 - If you mirror in these lines what you do with the same lines, punctuationally, in the previous stanza, you start to get some cool repetition in rhythm and aesthetics, an enhanced cohesiveness that always draws me in, as a reader.
 Stanza 2 | Line 5 - I like the idea of ending this line with a period and starting the third stanza with the first capitalized word since the beginning (further explained in the next section). I think it's the perfect place for added emphasis.

 Stanza 3 | Line 3 - comma here
 Stanza 3 | Line 4 - I would use 'at' rather than 'due to' here as it reads better and gives you a little more room to add another adjective to describe the face and give the 'social class impostor' a little more fleshing out.

 Stanza 4 | Line 3 - I see that you are trying to contrast this with the 'on ruby carpets' of the rich, but I don't think this choice draws the contrast you're going for as it is difficult to make the connection if you aren't looking for the patterns. My suggestion would be to overflow on details and make the contrast a little more similar so the connection is easier to see. (i.e. velvet slippers brushing ruby carpets / on sole stapled shoes with no laces - something to that affect)

 Stanza 5 | Line 3,4,5 - these lines actually just confuse me - I'm not sure what the toys represent or how this 'rich man' doesn't own his 'coveted company'; it definitely doesn't reinforce the concept of this person being above it all, so it doesn't quite make sense to me.

 Stanza 6 | Line 3 - might I suggest 'secondhand' rather than 'ragged'? It's more accurate in my experience.

Some Less Quick Observations:

 Whilst traditional, I don't think the beginning of every line should be capitalized in this piece. Mainly because, this piece doesn't read as traditional. In my eyes, it definitely reads modern, and - as such - I think the weighted beginning to each line adds an emphasis that isn't always warranted. I think there is value to that approach when every line is meant to stand on its own in a succinct picture, but - as is the case with your piece - I think the real power in your lines is in their interactions with each other. Just my thoughts.

 As New York is such a sprawling and diverse place to tackle, I would recommend either expanding on the piece to try and capture more contrast points - an easy thing to look towards is the very homogeneous groupings of races/types of people that often result in interesting wealth and opportunity contrasts even just across streets.

 either that, or consider just focusing on one aspect, like broadway - the hopefuls and the crowd / businesses - the CEO and the homeless. I think the message you are trying to get across would be aided by that specific approach.

Your Questions:

What emotions did you feel when reading the poem? 

As a city kid, it just is what it is. When I was younger I would have felt a bit more anger or resentment or even jealousy towards those at the top, but everyone has a lot that they've drawn and I think it's better to focus your time on getting your own where you want it rather than wasting attention on other peoples. That's what I feel when I encounter pieces like this.

Do you feel that the poem flows well, while still showing a clear divide between rich and poor?

I like the contrasts you tried to draw by patterning the stanzas to where they would echo the one before them a lot a lot a lot. I think that's a very strong technique that lends itself well to comparing things. That said, more details and more specific imagery wouldn't be remiss.

Is there a sound amount of imagery and literary devices? Is the imagery forced?

It is a rare feat for imagery to be overdone or forced, it's important to create a dynamic visual and paint the picture - the 'show don't tell' of poetry.

Through the Years

The QuestRain on the rooftops
Children all in joy
Don't be afraid to find answers
Playing with the simplest toy
People often tell you
Pick what only works best
But if it doesn't work
Think of it as a quest.
A quest to know the questions
The ones you always want to know
The ones about the butterflies
And your friends made out of snow.
Spend some time relaxing
By playing in the breeze
For time may not tick slowly
But not everything's an ease.
Someone once told me
Nothing makes much sense
Try to prove him wrong
At your very own expense
I hope you've truly listened
To this song we know as life
For if you haven't
I'm sorry for your strife
Looking back three years to some of the earliest poetry (which I choose over prose seeing as the piece I critiqued was a poem) you posted, it's easy to see that you have always engaged with large ideals and posed questions to your readers trying to engage them through the narrative to confront themselves - I love this and think it's one of the most difficult steps to work towards as a writer, so it's definitely encouraging that you took this approach so early in your writing pursuit. Whilst I challenged you in 'Working Gaps' to improve your imagery (and symbolism through imagery), it's also cool to see just how far your grasp on what's important to show has come since 2011.

Baby BirdIt didn't ask to be born  
but after the tremendous thunder
and rampaging rain
it knew it would have to start off fighting.
When we found it
just below an old oak tree
the baby bird made
my pink tutu seem pale.
It cried out, calling for someone to save it
From the pain of being all alone.
My mother told me to go get a soft blanket
and as I did, she quietly whistled a tune
reminding it of the sweet brown feathers
of its own caring, magnificent mother
who was probably soaring
searching for her child she couldn't find.
It didn't ask to die during our walk home
where there would be bird feed and a dry place
perfect to have allowed it to get better.
But as it closed its round raw eyes
it tried to chirp out a tune similar to my mother's
in hopes it would heal the broken bones
that were shattered like glass when it fell.
Being four years old at the time
it was hard to imagine how death worked.
Was it like being under a black blanket: dark, safe and warm?
Or was it like a cave: deep,
Baby Bird is your poetic narrative from 2012 that, while I would say too overtly so, introduces some interesting larger questions in its telling, which I think is both a boon to the story itself, and rather 'required Summer reading literature' of you (in a good way). Whilst this is a narrative and, thus, is a bit more difficult to compare to 'Working Gaps', I think you can see your a huge difference in your understanding (or at least feel) in where line breaks will help a piece read better and, again, what details are important.

corrosionmy body was marble
cut to be a quiet version of perfection,
my gentle curves and small feet
were enough to entrance you for hours
i did not know your hands were dipped in acid rain
slowly corroding my will
into something you’d want to see,
the glances away from my eyes
as my head was no longer visible
into something you’d want to feel
because the tight clothing was not enough
for your greedy hands.
Rather than look at a 2013 piece for balance, I choose to look at corrosion, a poem that proceeded 'Working Gaps' by about a month - at least in your posting it here, that is. It's a prime example of how to find impact in word choice and how some lines can really set a tone and mean more than their parts. Word combinations such as 'a quiet version of perfection' & 'corroding my will' in reference to the acid rain both describe the scene, AND provide context into more than what's being seen. Really strong piece, good miss.

Conclusion

Expanding your visual impact has really helped your writings become more dynamic and meet your goal to challenge your readers, but I also think that it is one of the areas where you still have room to improve and will help to give your pieces even more impact. My suggestion to anyone on how to improve has always been to read - and your writings certainly speak to your prowess in that area in spades - but, even more so when you are exploring imagery, I'd say to practice mapping out how you would describe both tangible, and intangible things in your everyday life. Find ways to approach your object from angles or perspectives you would never normally consider too. I think this will aid you greatly, good miss.

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