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About Deviant Official Beta Tester Joseph Louis Gay-LussacUnknown Groups :iconthewrittenrevolution: theWrittenRevolution
The words are the spark.
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Want some lit critique? I'm in #thewrittenrevolution's chatroom for a couple of hours. (: 

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1 deviant said chat.deviantart.com/chat/theWr… :dummy: come join. You don't need to be a member of the group.
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1 deviant said The only other option is giving me a hug, a clerihew, a haiku, or a 20-word story. You might prefer the chat.

Stamps make me happy.

I even divided these into sections. :dummy:

You Think I Care Stamp by bizarrostamps Rain Stamp by Stamp221 Stamp - I love singing alone by BlueHunter I Heart Purple by webgoddess Stamp: i love blue by flyingdown2011 I Support Silliness Stamp. by miss-strychnine Stamp: Kindness by delusional-dreams I love my TABLET stamp by RRRAI Your Smile... by aternity Violent Stamp by Keiko-Koga :thumb76810001: DA Stamp - Video Games 01 by tppgraphics Hobbit at Heart by eniap .Sleep stamp. by rydi1689 I like trains. by bigfunkychiken

Games:

:thumb39732560: Final Fantasy Stamp by ReverieSummoner I heart HORROR games by RebiValeska Bioshock Stamp by Alcamin Ayane Stamp by neobunny Mortal Kombat stamp by Metadream i love tomb raider games by lucianag GTA: Vice City Stamp by NerdXV MGS Fan Stamp by Busiris monster hunter stamp by Xeno-striker Piggy Stamp by Tippy-The-Bunny Albedo Stamp by Mocha-Rush Xenosaga by IceVallejo Tenchu stamp by Llingy

Movies:

joe black stamp by birdie94 Stamp - Iron Hugs by Isilrina voldemort by lauren-lovebites Monster's Inc. Stamp: ... by XxoOjunefoxOoxX Mulan by ThimbleBostitch The Dark Knight-Joker stamp by Deezmo LOTR - Wander by Jenna-Rose

Anime/Manga/Comics:

Spawn Stamp by MR-PHiLL Witchblade Stamp by Notaku Got Geass? - Lelouch Stamp by DGrayAlchemist Orange-kun by cullencrazay NERV Stamp by HeruNoTenchi Absolute Boyfriend Stamp by BanXiao GITS SAC by skinnyveestamp Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann by Kurasii Lucky Star Dance Stamp... by Sheepio Maria Holic stamp by Nami-DA Imagination stamp by NamiYami One Piece Strawhats Stamp by Zocho Cute Face L + Stamp Death Note by Ludra-Jenova Exalibur Dance Stamp by AlClair Tieria Erde - Stamp by Valandill G00 Fan Stamp by Nawamane Stamp - Gundam SEED: Lacus 2 by Emiliers

Music:

The Original Trio Stamp by nakashimariku Sigur Ros Stamp by Ko-omote Jonsi Stamp by iamadem Explosions in the Sky Stamp by rynald Sara Bareilles Stamp. by mylittlebluesky Classical music stamp by Tollerka Music Stamp by JetProwerTheFox Porcupine Tree stamp by kurokimashin - I Listen To Post-Rock - by AbXorb Film Score Stamp by rushpoint stamp - Fabrizio De Andre' by pallottili Samuel -Subsonica- stamp by HtB-stamps

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tWR Critiques anchauvies !

Fri Apr 17, 2015, 4:00 PM


What is "tWR Critiques You!"?


To learn more about tWR Critiques You!, check out the first blog entry of the project HERE.

To have a list of people who have been featured already, click HERE.

Please consider faving:+fav: this article to get our members more exposure! (:

Today we'll be critiquing...



 Chapter 1: Kiageru by anchauvies


My first general nitpicks would be these:
jet black hair
-- very cliché description (also you're missing a "his" before you talk about the hair)
Garnet-red eyes
-- again, cliché description. The coupling of colours/gems with hair qualities is very common.
an ounce of common sense
--  an ounce is 28 grams, according to Google. You might want to choose a word that represents a lesser amount, like I dunno, a pinch? A crumb?
The hallways were empty and a cold draft could be felt outside the room.
-- I'm not sure that you need to specify "outside the room" since he is outside already.
It made the already long trip between the various wings seemed to take hours.
 -- "It made... seemed" is wrong. I would say that "It made... feel hours long."
Malakai stopped at a door and knocked although it was already open.
-- Instead of although, I would use "even if". It's a small difference, but "although" doesn't fit what you're saying here.
At the moment, the last thing he wanted to do was encounter his mentor again.
 -- "encountering", but in any case, I would choose a better word, and wording. "At the moment, the last thing he wanted was seeing his mentor." Something like that.
I had put him out of mind for a while
 -- out of MY mind.
Malakai folded the letter and shoved it in the drawer of his nightstand.
 -- I found funny the fact that first he folds it as if caring for it, but then he shoves it in like he doesn't care. 
So there were others in Caelus that knew of the mages' existence.
-- With a "So" at the beginning of the sentence, I think an ellipsis is needed at the end of this sentence, or a question mark.



On to more specific things... I like your dialogue, it's good. But your exposition isn't as well done. For example, when Malakai needs to decide whether to leave or stay, after Aine gives him the letter, it's not clear what he decides to do of the two, and we know of what he has decided to do when the weird sensation of leaving the castle is mentioned -- considering that right now you're talking from his POV, you should introduce his choice before showing it.

Then, as I pointed above, some clichéd expressions find their way into your writing. In general, in physical descriptions. I'm not saying they are awful and need to be left out (except "jet black hair," that's really so overdone), but there are many more interesting ways to introduce characters and their aspect! you focused on "trivial" things such as eyes, or hair and used pretty "common" words for them: and while you don't necessarily need to find unique descriptions, they sort of take your writing down.

A suggestion for descriptions: focus on something less "intriguing", but make it so, because everything must serve a purpose. Maybe instead of the jet black hair, introduce his skin tone - he might be scratching his wrinkly forehead, or ageless forehead depending on how you want to portray him and that's an interesting point. Garnet-red eyes, if you want to keep the eye colour, maybe rewording to "Demoi snapped, looking up, a garnet flash of anger directed at the boy." or something similar. Or scrap the garnet completely and go for "red", simply - keep the "garnet" for a later occasion when you need to embellish a situation.
As for the description of Aine, "slender, with white hair" tells us NOTHING about her. Make descriptions work, like literally do your job: maybe she's tired? Unusually tired? Tired as always? With a kind smile, but cold eyes? Something!


Your feedback questions...


I'm requesting critique on any aspects someone might be comfortable critiquing whether it be style, flow, overall readability, etc.


I commented on style above. The flow is good, the chapter is interesting, dialogue flows fine, I talked about descriptions and so on plenty already. :giggle: readability is good also.

Is there anything that needs to be better explained/described?


As I said, be careful on your characters. Do your homework on descriptions. The only thing I feel needs a better explanation is that Malakai decides to leave the castle, and maybe why?
Oh, as an afterthought, explaining that he's going to see Aine to let her know how it went with Demoi would be a good idea also - it sounds like Malakai almost randomly ends up at Aine's, whereas he probably was supposed to go there to tell her anyway.

Is the pace too fast? Too slow?


I thought the pace was good as it was. Things are introduced, stuff happens. 



Writing Resources


Since there wasn't much writing in your gallery to gauge your improvement from (we usually do this in our second part of the article), I will be offering you some helpful articles centered on the weaker points of your writing from the critique I wrote above. (:

I can't exactly tell how strong your characters are from this small of a chapter, but the few ways you described them make me think that some tips about character building would be good. And then I put in some articles about descriptions, because from what little I could tell, they could be beneficial.

We have an interview article on character building that is really, really interesting - together with its Mentorship Lesson blog, that links to a huge quantity of articles on writing characters:

tWR Interviews: Characters, Imagery and MetaphorsHello everyone, and welcome to our "tWR Interviews", where we interview experienced writers of our community about the art of writing
If you're reading, please favourite+fav and share the article so we can spread this amazing resource around!
I would like to take this as an occasion to remind the readers that what these deviants say isn't "The One And Only Truth", but rather concepts to analyse, think about, and learn from. Whether you learn from agreement, or disagreement with them, it depends on you alone.
Today we're interviewing SilverInkblot, BeccaJS and DrippingWords on imagery/metaphors for poetry, and SadisticIceCream and LadyLincoln (with help from julietcaesar, illuminara, neurotype and LiliWrites) on character building for prose.
If you want to get some more educational reading, here are the other interviews we've released so far:
  Mentorship Project, Fourth LessonHello, my dear mentors and mentees! I salute you! I hope the course is going fine for you all, and that you're learning and enjoying yourself. Hopefully making friends, too! (:
First things first
We have interviewed some great deviants for you: in tWR Interviews: Characters, Imagery and Metaphors, we interviewed BeccaJSSilverInkblot and DrippingWords for poetry, andLiliWritesilluminara, julietcaesar, SadisticIceCream, neurotype and LadyLincoln for prose. La la la la please check it out! And maybe give it a fav+favbecause it deserves the exposure. :P (Lick)
Poetry Course - Lesson 4
This fourth lesson focuses on imagery and metapho


And then there's description, which is related to both character building AND storytelling, and we have a good interview about that also, together with its Mentorship Lesson:



>>All hail ginkgografix for this beautiful skin.

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HtBlack
Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac
Your friendly - but a bit of a troll, admittedly - next-door neighbour. I love cookies, gaming, Magic:the Gathering and anime; I love silence, music and nature; I love long walks, being lazy, I love silly things like earrings, jeans and nail polish (and I have tons of them all, beware). I love experimenting with my hair because let's admit it, it always grows back eventually.
I love smiles, cold weather, and I love when my toes are warm next to the fire. I love reading, writing, and improving my English thanks to both of those; I love #thewrittenrevolution and all that it lets me to for the community, I love the happiness it gives me.
I love the friends I have made, and those that I will make tomorrow. I love you.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015  Professional Writer
Joseph WHY THE FUCK WEREN'T YOU ON MY WATCH LIST. :stare:
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015
BECAUSE YOU HATE ME :stare:
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
SORRY WE WERE SUCH DICKS WANNA GET A GELATO.
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner 3 days ago
SURE COME OVER BUT YOURE PAYING.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015  Professional Writer
WELL I DONT NOW OK.
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